Evening Poem

Rain

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand--
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.


-Shel Silverstien

Oh, Baby!

Well friends, here goes: I'm Pregnant!!!!

Yessss!! Was it planned? Not particularly. Was it wished for and talked about daily? Absolutely. Is my hubby going to be the best Dad ever? You know it. And as for me, I'll be a great Mom. I already know it. I'm loving this little creature inside me, loving the little darling up. I picked it flowers, I sing it songs, and I tell this little light of mine about plans for his/her wonderful life. I'm ready for this ride, and I couldn't be more joyful.

Today, now, there are more important things in life than being Bipolar. I hope you have lots of these things. I have plenty of them around me, but now I have one inside me. So I don't feel so ill today, and though I can't imagine feeling depressed ever again now, I'm sure it will creep up again. But this time we're going to fight it as a team...two heads against one. I'm no longer a one woman army. I'm a Mom!

Thanks for all your supportive tweets and messages today. Thanks to my sister who reads this blog and is going to be an Aunt soon. Please send advice and vibes for a healthy 8 more months. And remember, whether we literally have one inside us or not, we all need to nurture our inner child....so go be a rascal! Rejoice!

Evening Poem

The Eclipse

I stood out in the open cold
To see the essence of the eclipse
Which was its perfect darkness.

I stood in the cold on the porch
And could not think of anything so perfect
As mans hope of light in the face of darkness.


-Richard Eberhart

Give Yourself Rights

I used to feel so helpless when it came to satisfying my own needs. But one of the things I learned to get out of this slump was to give myself rights. We all have rights, legally. But what about rights when it comes to how we communicate and relate to others? Mental Illness feels like it takes away our choices and forces us into a little box. It doesn't have to be like that though. If you are true to yourself in expressing your feelings and wishes by letting others know what's important to you, your power over the illness grows and, bippity bobbity boo, it's tyrannical hold on you shatters.
Below is a list of rights that I give myself each day. I stick firmly to these rights, because they are valid and just. While some mental illnesses can be very selfish diseases, sometimes time they can also take away your sense of self and your identity as an individual who deserves positive experiences. If you join me in proclaiming these rights, you'll find that you're less likely to feel helpless, and your appreciation for yourself and your unique needs will become a way of life for you. You do deserve things, and you don't owe anybody the power to make or break you.

ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

1.) I have the right to be responsible for my own actions. I am not responsible for the actions of any other adult.
2.) I have the right to make mistakes.
3.) I have the right to be myself.
4.) I have the right to be treated with respect.
5.) I have the right to feel my feelings, and to express my thoughts and opinions.
6.) I have the right to say "no" and not feel guilty.
7.) I have the right to change my mind.
8.) I have the right to say "I don't know".
9.) I have the right to feel and express anger.
10.) I have a right for my needs to be as important as the needs of others.
11.) I have the right to do things that other people may not approve of.
12.) I have the right to ask for help.
13.) I have the right to ask "why" or "why not".
14.) I have the right to say I don't understand.

Probably one or more of these speaks more loudly to you than others. For me, it's number 10. I hope this list will help validate you as a person, and will make a difference in the way you go about taking care of yourself. Remember, you are in control here, not the disease, and not your obligations to others! Take action, find freedom, and become a powerful survivor!

Evening Tao

SIX

The valley spirit never dies;
It is the woman, primal mother.
Her gateway is the root of heaven and earth.
It is like a veil barely seen.
Ute it: it will never fail.

-Lao Tsu
Tao Te Ching

A Good Psych is Hard to Find

I have seen some real "quacks" when it comes to my never-ending search for a psychiatrist. Most of the time I am just picking them off a provider list from my insurance, so it's literally a blind date. The good docs I hear about in my community seem to have long waiting lists, and when I need help, I need it now. So I settle for the losers with open appointments, and boy do I pay the price.
The last psychiatrist I saw met with me for a whole hour without looking me in the face. Her whole process was to hand me a quiz, play on her computer, and refill my existing meds without asking how they worked for me. Her comments were all about the extremity of my depressed life, the worthlessness of my unemployment, and the my failure to have found the right med cocktail by age 24. Well, Dr. Pamela Jones, that is not what I'm looking for. You're fired.
Unfortunately I was in a weak state and ended up giving this horrible bitch enough power that by the end of the session I walked out wishing that on my drive home I would be hit and killed by a truck. When that didn't happen, the next weeks were filled with thoughts of death and hatred for this woman and for myself. Don't people get into that profession because they care and want to help others? I wish! I haven't yet met with one psychiatrist who made me feel cared about, important, or sane.
I've learned the importance of getting my needs met, so I complained to her office and got set up with another doctor, another mystery woman whom I shall meet tomorrow. I regret giving the first doctor so much power over my state of being, that I am determined it won't go that way again tomorrow. So I'm going to begin the appointment, not her. I'm going to outline what I'm looking for in a doctor, a treatment plan, and a future. But this time, if I don't get the vibe, I'm walking the hell out, and slamming the door.
These doctors don't rule our lives. They are supposed to work for us. But why are most of them such assholes? And what happened to the notion that you could conversate with them about your needs, not just your symptoms and current mg doses of whichever. I'm sick to death of this whole process, but I can't give up.
Part of the thought of wanting to die after my last appointment was the impending notion of having to look for a new doctor AGAIN. But that work is over now, and I just have to show up tomorrow and be an assertive patient. I won't be walked all over again, this time it's going to change. I encourage everyone to recognize their needs and make aggressive moves toward satisfying them. Let's see if I can practice that tomorrow.

Evening Poem

Island

Wave of sorrow,
Do not drown me now:

I see the island
Still ahead somehow.

I see the island
And its sands are fair:

Wave of sorrow
Take me there.


-Langston Hughes